Week 10 Power Rankings

In order to maintain my essence as a writer, it’s important that every once in a while I take a break and connect with the common man. I mean after all, in just 10 short weeks I’ve established a powerhouse sports blog averaging almost 60 views a week. Week 2 was the highest with 119 views, but that’s because I had two posts – a team name rankings and our standard power rankings. So this week I’m opening up my heart, ears, and eyes to our beloved audience and answering some mailbag questions. After that, I’ll quickly rank you without thought or research…

Jamison: Soroush (currently 8-1) is on his way to a first round bye in the playoffs with Goff and Daniel Jones at QB. WTF?

Ranker: First off… if you are writing for solid understanding of how to win fantasy football matchups, you are talking to the wrong guy. That being said, there is some absolute crazy voodoo going on with Commish’s QB’s. Soroush has won 8 weeks in a row, after losing week 1 by less than 2 points! The man should be undefeated! During week 1 Soroush started Joe Burrow who scored a completely rational 18.2 points, which coincidentally was within .1 of his projected score. Since then Soroush has had Wentz, Goff, & Jones in a rotating QB carousel. In those weeks his QB has either scored less than 11.5 (5 times) or more than 27 (3 times) every week. Whatever the Dr. needs from his QB he gets, and if he doesn’t need it he somehow saves it for the next week. That’s as much as I can understand it.

Connor: Should slippers be indoor/outdoor footwear? Or indoors only?

Ranker: A little bit depends on the slipper, but in general I think the answer is easy: Slippers are indoor/outdoor wear and all men in their thirties with developing dad bods should embrace that. In fact, this is a great place to announce our newest product partnership: I have been a proud user of the Sorel Men’s Falcon Ridge Slipper for 5 years. It’s got a tough rubber soul, a fleece lined interior, and stands the test of time. I walk the dog in them in the morning, I take the kids to the park in them after dinner, and I literally just wore them to Market of Choice to grab a 4 pack of pounders for this mailbag. If it is within 2 hours of sunrise or sunset, they are an acceptable footwear choice, all you have to do is completely ignore your wife.

Jack: Did you beat Byron again this year? I forget.

Ranker: If you think this is a planted question, I don’t blame you. But it’s not, my readers just love me so much* that they toss me a softball every now and then. Why yes Jack, I did beat Byron this year. And he did have to pay me $20, and that does bring my lifetime record against him to 7 – 3, and he does have to wait until next year for another shot. Hey Byron, suck it…

*well mostly – there’s a lot of “why are you so bad” that we’ll have to address in a bit

Anonymous: Who made the worst trade of the year?

Ranker: Leave it to the man too afraid to put his name on the question to ask the one requiring the most research. The easy answer here is yours’ truly. I panic traded Kamara for J.K. Dobbins (who lasted 1 week on a repaired ACL) and Dionte Johnson, who might as well have my cocker doodle under center trying to get the ball to him. But in my defense, Kamara had done nothing, he has pending legal issues, and I was desperate. So I’m putting myself as 2nd worst trade. The worst trade belongs sadly to Low Tee. They sold CMC while trade rumors where out there, for Breece Hall (bad luck RIP) and Davante Adams right before he fell off a cliff. To worsen the deal, he threw in Jamal Williams who likely is going to end up as Detroit’s best RB because Swift has a snap count limit of 10 or less.

Byron: Historically speaking, has there ever been a team worse than Drank?

Ranker: Ok I lied, anonymous didn’t ask the toughest question, because Byron’s needed a damn spreadsheet and for me to dive through 10 years of league history. If anybody else but Mr. Stevens asked this, I would tell him to F off. But I take countless cheap shots at my cutoff sweats wearing best bud, so I’m gunna let him have this one. This was an enormous amount of work to come to what should have been an very obvious answer. OF COURSE IM THE WORST. I am currently scoring 21.9 points less than average. In our previous 9 seasons, the next worse full season performance is last year, when Sean scored 17.7 worse than average. After that it is Dr. Wearn in 2020, with 15.8 worse than average. So there you have it, the three worst seasons in history are the last 3 years, and they belong to the 3 handsomest guys in the league. The next worst for anyone curious was 2013, when Jamison finished 13.3 worse than average. I think he literally drafted from Africa that year, so we won’t count that against him.

Rosie: Which game will provide Ducks with greatest challenge? UW, Utah, or OSU?

Ranker: Great question and something that has been on my mind. The obvious answer here is Utah. We’ve got some ugly history recently, they are big and physical, and it might be a bit of a letdown game for the Ducks coming off the absolute ass whooping we are going to give the Huskies on Saturday. So I’ve tipped my hand… I think its the Beavers. I hate going to Reser stadium, I hate when the Beavers can run the ball well, and I hate when the Ducks are playing for everything and all those poor OSU fans have to hold onto is beating their big brother. Lanning is manning the ship well and will keep us focused on one week at a time, and for that we should all feel blessed. Go Ducks! P.S. check the group text for a Selfie of Luke’s first trip to Autzen on Saturday.

Jeremy: Are the Blazers contenders?

Ranker: The question we’ve all had for the last decade (and longer). A bunch of playoff series, a western conference finals that was fun to make but we were never in (but do we all remember the 3 OT game vs Denver in the series before -what a night). My heart really wants to tell you yes Jer, just like I want to believe that if given a rematch with Georgia, the Ducks would hang. But I think the honest answer is no, not this year. We are a playoff team, and we can likely win a series, but the team isn’t good enough to win it all. And you know what, I’m ok with that. I love being excited for the Blazers every game, I love being in the hunt. Last spring sucked, it was no fun to not be excited for blazer games. Now we got Sharpe, the backcourt looks great, and it should be a fun ride til May.

Baylor: Not Everyone can find themselves in the top of the power rankings, but who holds the best potential keeper?

Ranker: Just a fantastic question for a new born baby to ask, looking towards the bright future of tomorrow. Sadly, after reviewing the rosters I have come to the conclusion that the best team this year also has the best player to keep. Commish (Spoiler Alert) is atop our rankings for the first time this year, and has Tyreek Hill who is WR1 in an awesome offense with a blossoming QB. The NFL has moved to a passers league, and RB’s just aren’t dependable. Other than maybe Derrick Henry, who will probably be rushing for 2000 yards a season in 2040. That is my 2nd pick btw, because at some point you just have to stop fighting the inevitable. Derrick Henry is the 2nd best keeper.

Brennan: Does Byron get an allowance?

Ranker: This is just a great question, and as his daddy I want you all to know that yes, Byron get’s an allowance, which we works very hard for. For one, he has to put up with all my shit, and secondly he very kindly coordinates certain weekly transactions involving guessing the final scores of various amateur athletic contests. In related news, I’m happy to announce to everyone that last week’s guessing went so well that Byron received a large raise for his great work.

Scoones: Could Jack be the best team in league history to not make the playoffs?

Ranker: Well the good news is that I have already painstakingly copy and pasted 10 years of scores and league records into excel, so this will be much easier. But first, I want to state very plainly that I believe Jack will make the playoffs despite the hole he finds himself in. My son loves Jack, and Jack is just as happy to take cheap shots at Byron as I am, so I am team Bigelow. Anyways, back to the question at hand: Qualitatively, NO, no team as good as Jack’s current roster has ever missed the playoffs. He has 3 top RB’s, two good Wr’s, and a good QB. He should be in the playoffs. Quantitatively this is harder, because Jack hasn’t had this squad all year. By points scored Jack should be in 6th, and certainly we’ve had 6th place teams finish out of the playoffs. I will say that Jack has the most points against and has been very unlucky. Check back in 6 weeks if it was just too much to overcome.

Literally Everyone: Why are you so bad at fantasy football?

Me: Because I spend all my time being such an amazing ranker, you are welcome!

Final note: I usually put on some movie or show in the background as I write these, it helps me keep track of how long I’ve been writing and keeps the exercise bearable. Today I chose Training Day, and it turns out that Tuco Salamanca is one of the hombres who tries to kill Ethan Hawke at that poker table scene, I’ve never made that connection before and feel like I’ve learned something, so thank you all for that.

#1: Kupp and Down (8-1) Commish on top!

#2: Drop your Mike’s (7-2) Probably actually still the best team

#3: Low Tee (4-5) Sue me, I like this team

#4: The Van Buren Boys (6-3) Lost to Gano

#5: Can we Re-Draft (5-4) Sup Byron

#6: The Three and Outs (3-6) Go Jack Go

#7 So Sticky it Hurts (5-4) Bet he doesn’t win 2 in a row

#8: Okwuegbunam Lowes (5-4) A new father! Congrats Brennan!

#9 Jonathon’s Legends (4-5) In absolute freefall

#10 I Don’t Gano what I’m doing (3-6) Finally some schedule luck

#11: Drank with Power (2-7) Nick is gunna be pissed

#12 Nasty Nick (2-7) Still the worst team

PICKS OF THE WEEK (brought to you by the Sorel Falcon Ridge II)

Lock of the Week (6-0): TVBB over Legends

Upset of the Week (1-5): Gano over Re Draft

NFL Spread (3-3): Chargers +7 over SFO