The regular season has ended, bribes have been paid, threats have been made, and the ranking committee has now fully shared its illogical algorithm with the world (hint: there isn’t one). Before we dive into all the juicy matchups, and start making irreverent comparisons of players, teams, and coaches, let’s just talk for a moment about the CFP ranking committee and process. I’m not going to sit here and repeat all the valid criticisms you have heard on SportsCenter, podcasts, and whatever the hell show Stephen A is on, but rather I’m going to provide some broader knowledge and wisdom on what we can learn from this damn mess.
As a kid growing up, and even as a young professional, its natural to assume that behind the curtain, there are actual intelligent adults helping to run the world. I’m here to tell you: that isn’t the case. Having now spent enough time with Fortune 500 executives, charity boards of advisors, little league coach committees, or Phil freaking Dingleberry from the HOA, I can confidently say that the world is run by morons, mostly making it up as they go along. To believe any different is to be putting oneself at a competitive disadvantage, vulnerable to attack.
If Notre Dame had known this, they wouldn’t be pouting on the sidelines like the bunch of bitches they are… Of course Miami was going to get in, you have the same record and they BEAT you. But it was also obvious that it would take a group of 10 supposedly brilliant individuals a full 8 weeks to come to the same conclusion: That when assigned the project to determine which group of 22 guys would beat another group of 22 guys on 360 feet of grass, chalk and dirt, an important piece of evidence in that equation is the score of the game those two teams actually played.
Alright, enough pontificating… on to the rankings and assignments, and good luck to all you idiots this Christmas Season.
The Playoff Teams
All right… one actual criticism of the CFP. How in the world did the sports governing body not foresee a loophole that would allow TWO group of 6’s into the field. I did a hypothetical lookback over the last decade or so… and there are 4 or 5 instances where this would have been a clear possibility. The worst being 2015 which would likely have had Houston (pre big 12) and Navy in the field. It feels like they could have had an intern do that type of sensitivity analysis in an afternoon, and closed that loophole when they changed the rules to fix last year’s seeding disasters.
But, for this year it works out well for me, because we have our own Tulane and JMU in the field! And with that, I introduce our teams:
JMU: Sir Douche (8-6, 9th in points scored). Playoff Chances: 0.5%
I wrote back in November that whatever 5 or 6 seed who was lucky enough to play Commish in the 1st round was going to be licking their chops… and that analysis somehow overestimated our fearless leader. Douche fell all the way to the fifth seed, and has to travel east to Soldier Field to face a red hot Mediocrity this weekend. Burrow is back-ish, Jonathon Taylor might be taking handoffs from a LITERAL Grandpa on Sunday (same offer as Sanders – any playoff team to start Phillip Rivers gets $10) and a healthy Ducks WR room might have more talent than this pass catching group. Anyways, the season ends here for Commish D.M.D.
Oregon: Mired In Mediocrity (9-5, 2nd in points scored). Playoff Chances: 20%
No longer the Dark horse, this team needs a name change as they are anything but average. Just like the Ducks, advanced analytics favor them even more than some of the traditional views, which also look great. MIM has won 6 straight matchups, and has scored over 114 points in 5 of those 6 performances. Not coincidentally, if you chose any of the past 6 weeks for this team to have matched up against Soroush, they would have one 5 of those meetings. Look for this team to make quick work of a favorable round 1, and then pose a threat to make a real run at this thing. Go Ducks Go.
Tulane: The Van Buren Boys: (7-7, 8th in points scored). Playoff Chances: 2.0%
We all love a feel good story, and goodness knows the ranking committee is rooting for his great friend TVBB to knock off Re-Draft. But as a ranker who believes he’s not a moron (probably demonstrably false), I have to rely on facts. And the fact that matters here is simple: if you scored 100 points, then you beat TVBB. You read that correctly, if the team playing Connor managed to crest over a 3 digit score that week, then they won their matchup vs TVBB every single time this year. Redraft failed to do that two weeks ago, but I don’t expect that slip up twice.
Ole Miss: Can we Re-Draft (10-4, 4th in points scored). Playoff Chances: 22.5%
Look, I know all of you think of Byron as mild mannered and understated, but I know the true Re-Draft. He’s a boisterous, in your face, “look at me” manager, just like good old Lane Kiffin. Surprisingly, Byron also spends every Sunday morning rolling around on some matts with pretty blondes (Byron at the Lake Oswego toddler tumblers, Lane at Hot Yoga, but its pretty much the same). He’s giving absolutely zero consideration that TVBB might come in and pull off on an upset, and while you might not like it or his style, he’s absolutely right.
BYES:
Ohio State: Puka’s Pals (11-3, 1st in points scored). Playoff Chances: 30%
Nobody wants to read about me this week, so we’ll keep this brief. Reigning Champ and the favorite on paper, definitely on the tougher side of the bracket. Boo Buckeyes
Alabama: Danny Dimes (10-4, 3rd in points scored). Playoff Chances: 25%
Just like the Crimson Tide, Danny Dimes got absolutely waxed in the SEC Championship last week but somehow there was no punishment. Despite completely opening up the door to be caught and knocked out of a bye, Danny Dimes stumbled backwards into a favorable position. However, also like Alabama, the roster has sustained some unfortunate injuries to close out the year, and might not be able to overcome them. We’ll see in 2 weeks if this team has a new name and new life.
Bonus Bowls
Quick hitters on our consolation matchups. If you wanted a full paragraph written about you, than you should have played better. Yes these are all real bowls, no they should not exist anymore in 2025.
The Bucked Up Bowl: Nasty Nick (Boise St) vs Jonathon’s Legends (Washington).
I could think of nothing more (F)Bucked up than pissing off my good friend Jon D by assigning him as the Huskies in these ridiculous rankings. In case most of you hadn’t figured it out yet, my general guiding philosophy as a ranker is to be as funny/mean as possible without crossing any lines. I guess we’ll find out if this crosses Legend’s.
On Nasty Nick’s side, I just have one question. Precisely what were you saving your $68 in FAB for? Certainly we could have gone out and purchased a playable receiver with those funds no?
The Pop-Tart Bowl: Buck and Bo Run Go Ducks Go (Georgia Tech) vs Allen’s Key Players (BYU)
Clearly these two teams are WAY too good to compare to the last place finishers in our league, but I have a higher purpose. I have no idea exactly why, but when it came time to assign Geoff and Sean a bowl game, the visual of Scoones jumping out of a toaster dressed as a Pop Tart instantly consumed my brain, and I spent a good 2 minutes laughing to myself. I hope you all enjoyed the visual as much as me. My math (which is never wrong) shows that Scoones might have to do the Ranking again next year, but I have an offer for him:
Pick 2 of the following bowl sponsor inspired activities, complete them on film, and I’ll do the rankings next year for you.
- Run a mile dressed as a Pop-Tart (The Pop-Tart Bowl)
- Write and publish to the group your “Perfect Baked Potato” recipe. (Famous Idaho Potato Bowl)
- 1 Minute Scoones original rap (AI allowed) about the GDG league (Snoop Dog Arizona Bowl)
- Eat a full tablespoon of Wasabi in one bite (Wasabi Fenway Bowl)
- Go 24 hours eating only Frosted Flakes (Tony the Tiger Sun Bowl)
- Dump a cup of Mayo on your head (Duke’s Mayo Bowl)
- Fill out and submit all of the preapplication information for a mortgage using your primary phone and email (Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl)
- Score 100 or better in a game of bowling (Go Bowling Military Bowl)
- Order, brew, and provide a review of Scooter’s Coffee (Scooter’s Coffee Frisco Bowl)
The secondary point I’m making here is that we have way too many terrible bowls, I mean what the hell are they charging for these sponsorship rights, $25 dollars? Maybe next year Go Ducks Go should sponsor one. The offer to Scoones is real however, some good challenges to choose.
The Bad Boys Mower Bowl: lights, Kamara, Jackson (Penn St) vs Not so SUPERSONICS (Clemson)
This was by far the easiest match to make, as expectations for both these squads, and especially LMK were much much higher in September (post draft ESPN had him as the best team in our League). An early season loss to Mediocrity derailed Jeremy, just like our beloved Ducks cost James Franklin his job by turning the White Out dark in Happy Valley. Supersonics on the other hand, is a once great franchise manager that has failed to adjust to the Keeper era, akin to how Dabo can’t figure out the portal and NIL. However we would all be fools to think these two great programs won’t be back in the mix next fall.
Picks of the Week:
GDG: Two team money line parlay: Re-Draft over TVBB and Mediocrity over Douche (pays even money)
NFL: Broncos +2.5 over Green Bay
Go Ducks Go Power Rankings 
Leave a comment