The Rank and File

SURPRISE! I bet nobody expected to wake up to 2000 words from the original Power Ranker. But congratulations, you now have something to read while you ignore a screaming toddler, sip your morning coffee, or perhaps sit on that cold white throne trying to squeeze one out before a shower. You’re excited now, but I’m sure by team #8 the enthusiasm will fade and life will set in. And that is what this week’s theme is: The Rank and File. For those who aren’t precisely aware, “Rank and File” is an expression that is almost 500 years old. It refers to the “common soldier” who would file into the marching formation of an army, behind the officers and more important folks. In layman’s terms, it means “Ordinary” or perhaps “Normal”. For all of us, “Ordinary” has become a way of life. Gone are the days of crazy nights, funnier stories, and wilder endings. Friday nights you’re exhausted, and Saturday mornings are more likely to include a 3 yr old’s pirate themed birthday party then Kegs and Eggs. But I’m here to say that is ok, and that our ordinary is better than anyone else’s.

An Ordinary Aside: Roughly half of you already know this story, as I told it in a group text. But I’m gunna retell it all the same, with the promise that it is ordinary as hell. A week ago exactly (as I write this post), on a drizzly Wednesday night I was trying to complete the last 1% on selling my old house. I’d been back and forth with the buyers on approximately one thousand items: a leaky faucet, how do you replace the furnace filters, is there 1 year, 5 months, and 6 days or 1 year, 5 months, and 7 days left on the Home Depot Warranty for the god damn dryer… Anyways, I was down to 1 item. A kids playhouse still in the yard. My plan was to leave it and not say anything, it was in the corner of the property, still in good shape, and I thought nobody would fuss. But I was wrong, and in a final walkthrough it was requested to be removed. So I did an ordinary thing: I called my friend Jeremy and just like normal, he answered. Jer, despite his own large pile of to-do’s and life stresses, got in his truck, drove across town, and helped me move that stupid play house at 930 PM on a Wednesday night. When I thanked him profusely, he said simply “you would have done the same for me.” And that’s where our ordinary is extraordinary. This league has been going now for 13 years, and all of our friendships for much longer than that. Its a group and a bond that is special, unique, unordinary, and too easy to take for granted. Quick Trivia: Who won the first league championship? Answer: Team Li Lai, a man who hasn’t played fantasy football in more than a decade but is still on the group chat, (and who would without a doubt still draft Justin Tucker #1 Overall). He also went 7-6 that season, and somehow won it all, despite being (say it with me) FUCKING ORDINARY. I love you all very much, and was pumped when I texted Geoff and he quickly agreed to let me do him a small, ordinary favor and sub for him this week.

Without any more preamble: I present a no theme, completely normal power rankings, in honor of the Ordinary!

#1: Puka’s Pals

All right, you caught me. All that heart felt bullshit above was a big fat lie, I only volunteered to write this so I could rank myself number 1 and remind you all of how far I’ve risen. Only team in the league who has clinched the playoffs with 3 weeks to go, have already earned my full entry fee back in $20 side bets with you chumps, and am looking forward to steam rolling Byron in the playoffs. (In reality, my WR’s are weak as shit and if CMC goes down so do I… )

#2: Can we Re-Draft

This is a begrudging ranking. About 4 weeks ago, Re-Draft texted me with something along the lines of “its you and me for the championship”. At the time the asshole was like 4 & 3 and squarely in the middle of the pack. Naturally I thought he was out of his God Damn mind… it having been warped by what I can only assume is a tortuous lack of sleep dealing with twin baby girls as a 38 yr old lawyer working 80 hours a week. But alas, Byron was onto it early, and Re-Draft has won 7 in a row and is mighty dangerous coming into the playoffs.

#3: Danny Dimes

Brendan and I have had a tough fall, he sand-bagged his way to a net championship at Bandon Dunes and then didn’t post the scores, talked a group of us into spending $7 ($23 if you include shipping) on the worst short sleeve quarter zip I’ve ever seen, and has refused every insultingly 1 sided fantasy trade I’ve sent him. Overall I like his team’s stability more than it’s upside, with the one area of concern being that his QB room is just a touch better than the Cleveland Brown’s… (I’ll pay whoever starts Shedeur this week $10 for the comedic value alone). Don’t know that I have anything else to add here, but good luck to Brian.

Going out on a limb here with this insert: I’ll give anyone who wants it 4-1 odds that one of the 3 teams above wins our league this year. There is a very clear break in the rosters at this spot… Soroush, I know you’re reading this, so I’ll break it to you early. You have exactly 2 players on your squad, and whatever 5 or 6 seed that gets you in the first round is gunna be thrilled.

#4: Mired in Mediocrity

This is the Dark Horse… I LOVE when a team goes all in on a single NFL roster, and Jamison did just that with our beloved Detroit Lions. Unfortunately, I don’t think the Lions schedule works out great for the home stretch. Their offensive line is in shambles with the Rams and Steelers scheduled for Rd 1 and 2 of our playoffs. Both of those teams should pose problems for a team who can’t block a spam call right now. If Purdy can stay healthy he could have a chance, but this might be a case of team’s name manifesting its own mediocrity.

#5: Jonathan’s Legends

This team has scored the 3rd most points in the league but finds itself underperforming. Good on paper yet disappointing in reality, which is perfectly emblematic of its star player. Jalen Hurts might be annoying his Eagle’s teammates, but year in and year out he provides a higher baseline for a fantasy roster than almost any other player. We’ll see if Jon D keeps him for another year or decides to go with the young buck Warren in future seasons. Jamar Chase chose a tough time to bench himself for a roster that lacked star talent, and that might be the final bit of bad luck that does this talented but snake bitten squad in.

#6: Sir Douche

Honestly, this is still too high for the Crooked Commissioner. Which, while we are on it… if Soroush wins another “Live” video lottery next year, I’ll be launching a full AI video investigation. Currently Douche is scheduled to start Tyler Shough and Tyrod Taylor at QB this weekend, and somehow can’t field a full roster. Despite that absolute car wreck at QB, he’s gunna have to decide whether to drop a good player or leave a roster spot empty this week, which really makes me regret wasting $30 on Mac Jones last Tuesday night.

#7: Allen’s Key Players

Just like our Beloved Ducks, the Ranker believes his team is not getting enough credit for big wins… But this week, beating Allen’s Key Players would be a BIG Win. Allen has the 7th most points in the League and has gone over 130 points in a week 3 times this year, including posting our leagues highest score at 168 points in week 9. Josh Allen and Justin Jefferson have a ton of fire power… and while Sean isn’t a threat to make the post season, he could certainly play spoiler down the stretch.

#8: Nasty Nick

Well this is exactly where I predicted I would lose you all as I composed my introduction…. And approximately 90 minutes and 2.5 IPA’s later frankly I’m losing myself. I do have a question though, has Nick had Saquon on his roster since his freshman year at Penn St? The rest of the roster is composed of guys who are are all gunna live in the middle. Nobody besides Barkley is capable of a 25 point night, and its tough to see this as a team that makes it to the winners bracket. The team is on a 3 game losing streak and hasn’t broken 90 in November… Expect more of the same on Sunday.

#9: Lights, Kamara, Jackson

I hate doing this to the Good Samaritan Jeremy, but it’s important to maintain integrity as a ranker. His points scored total says the team should be much higher than this, but honestly you would think a Medical Professional as qualified as Dr. Wearn would factor in health much more to his roster composition strategy. The team is littered with guys primed to miss 4 – 6 games a season, and that is exactly what has happened this year. Health is a skill sir, health is a skill. This week we get to see what happens when a Good Dr. go up against a PhD, and I know where my money lies (Good luck Jamo).

#10: The Van Buren Boys

Thank you all for gathering here today, it is with great sorrow that we must recognize the death of an important thing in all our lives. 5 glorious falls ago, I, as a young and inexperienced ranker, decided I needed a rival. For no real reason I chose TVBB, and from that day on, I went all in on slights, digs, and all manner of rude behavior towards my dear friend Connor. But those days are over, and he is once again my friend. Despite that renewed friendship, I must still be honest, this team has no hope. I attempted to make a trade with Connor this very morning, and his decline response included the phrase “Mason Rudolph is keeping this teams playoffs hopes afloat”. After that, I’m not sure there’s much else to say.

#11: Not So SUPERSONICS

What the hell happened to Trader Jack. More than any other GM in the league, I feared trading with Jack. Year after year the man would Sam Presti his way to a dangerous playoff team. Perhaps using a Presti analogy is insensitive, given he just led OKC to a title that rightfully belonged to the Emerald City. Getting back to the Sonics… this team might have gone full Tank, but might just sneak up and end TVBB’s long shot playoff hopes this weekend.

#12: Buck and Bo Run go Ducks Go

It’s an absolute Travesty to rank the team with by far the Best Name the league has ever had as DFL… But B&B run GDG is the only team in the league to have less than 1000 points, and in a cursory glance at his roster I couldn’t even fathom a guess at who his keeper was. To further darken the picture, it looks like he’s gunna have to start at least 5 guys this weekend projected to score 10 or less… Here’s to hoping a little ranking momentum keep’s Scoones from needing me to write a guest column again next year (we all know I really want to do it).

Picks of the Week

GDG: Not So Supersonic over The Van Buren Boys (Conny I swear we are friends!)

NFL: New England -7 over Bengals (Double Guaranteed lock of the week)