Ladies and Gentlemen! We are back! After a well-deserved Parental Leave of 7 weeks (which is approximately 6 weeks and 5 days longer than I took from my real job) I am returning to find a league pretty much exactly where I left it. TVBB is on a dominating run we might never see again (more on that later), and the teams at the bottom are pretty much the same. I have paid very little attention since welcoming a 19 inch, 7lb, shitting machine into my life. So I’m falling back on an old and overused idea: the mailbag. Here were my favorites:
What does the ranker have against Byron and Jeremy? Why are they always egregiously under ranked? (*question paraphrased)
I think this question originally asked for some sort of statistical analysis, which frankly I’m too tired and too drunk to attempt. Rather I’ll just be honest. Jeremy and Byron are successful, they’ve been good at pretty much everything they have ever tried. I rank them low every year to give them a small taste of how the other half lives. These guys have too many W’s in the game of life to keep winning in the stupid, cruel sport, that is fantasy football. Also, fuck Jeremy and Byron.
If you had to eat one person in the league who would be your first choice, and who would be your last?
Just a brilliant question from Scoones, one that forces me to contemplate the mortality of man, and more importantly to probably hurt somebody’s feelings. After a playful back and forth, in which Geoff provided absolutely no helpful defining details for this question, I have decided to interpret it in the context of “The most dangerous game”. In order to eat a league member, I must first catch and kill them. Therefore I’m looking for a tasty individual who I also believe I could overpower. Ultimately, I think I land on Brennan: I like my size advantage, and think he would probably pair very well with a nice Chianti and some fava beans.
Last: Jeremy – he would probably kill me first, and I’m not convinced he bathes daily. I don’t think I’d want to eat Scoones either, he seems like he would be very chewy.
If you were Commissioner of Go Ducks Go instead of Assistant to the Commissioner what changes would you make to the league?
First of all, I would never attempt to push out our dear Commish (may I be the Adam Silver to his David Stern forever, but with more hair) the chaos of every late August/early September iPhone voting shall be cherished forever. But, to answer the question, this is an easy one: I would make our league an Auction Draft. For those who don’t know, Auction drafts work just like they sound. Every manager has an equal chance for every player, you all start with a nominal amount (usually $200) and bid on players as they are nominated. When you are out of money, you are stuck with the free agent pile… Drafts take slightly longer, but are way more fun. If you all need any more convincing, just know I’ll probably be even worse at an auction than a snake draft.
Is this the most dominant season ever from TVBB?
Yes, nobody can beat him, we should all just start planning for our 2024 keepers, don’t even try, there is absolutely, and I mean absolutely nothing, that could stop Connor from winning it all this year. (2nd times the charm). In a slightly more serious bit of analysis, the best regular season ever was in our very first, when Jack Bigelow went 11-2 in 2013. I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that TVBB will do better than that.
Is always sharing your location with spouse/partner a good practice?
The answer to this is a very strong “Yes”, with one loophole… and that is: unless you are golfing. Ashley and I share locations with each other and have for the past 8+ years, and it’s almost always useful. The one exception to this rule is when I’m on the golf course. Despite absolutely no interest in the sport (and perhaps a slight detest), Ashley now has the course routing at Waverley memorized and has been known to send me a text when she see’s I’m on the 17th or 18th hole, thus foiling plans to delay departure after the round with libations in the Men’s Bar.
Is letting a dog lick you in the face gross?
I don’t understand why this is even a question. The answer is absolutely and unequivocally yes, it’s disgusting. Mankind’s love for our canine friends has warped our minds. Dogs eat trash, they lick their own asses, they get their teeth cleaned maybe once a year. In what context should it be ok to swap saliva with our four legged fellows. If you let your dog lick your face you are a bit off and need to take a long hard look in the mirror.
Rankings:
#1: TVBB: This is the greatest team ever assembled, nothing shall stop them.
#2: Can we Redraft?: Lamar is good, Gibbs is better. Lot of talent on this squad
#3 Empty slot – the previous 2 teams are best
#4 Kel-Ci and JoJo: Burrow injury plays a part, but even before this it wasn’t a tier 1 team.
#5 – #11 Everybody else but nick. Man this is an ugly bunch of rosters
#12: Nasty Nick
It’s good to be back, until next week
Go Ducks Go Power Rankings 
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