Alright, at this point I think you all have realized (and I have probably written) that I fancy myself as a very poor man’s Bill Simmons. I sprinkle in topical references, my tone is consistently irreverent, and I use way too many parenthesis, footnotes, and other nontraditional writing mechanisms. So this week I’m going to stop half pretending and instead embrace the full experience. One of my favorite columns from Bill ever was one he wrote in 2004, in which he compared his beloved Red Sox to one of his favorite movies: the Shawshank Redemption… Well, the Shawshank redemption is also one of my favorite movies. I own it on DVD, have it saved to a thumb drive, and last year purchased it on Amazon Prime. I watch it something like once a month (true story, just ask my wife).
So without further adu, Chris “The Sports Guy” Gram presents:
The Shawrank Redemption
“Hope is good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies” – Andy Dufresne
Act I – Bad Luck
Not many can still remember all the way back to the cold, rainy, winter of 2021, when a tall, slim, corporate finance professional found himself sitting in his dark office, computer blue light and empty IPAs surrounding him, cursing a season and schedule so unlucky as to have landed him in this mess. Andy DuRank was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, having an average of 15 extra points scored against him each week and drafting McCaffrey 2nd overall in a year when CMC would suit up less than half the games. They dredged that river for a week, but never did find those hamstrings..
And so DuRank was sentenced to a lifetime as ranker, to live out the rest of his days under the supervision of the corrupt Warden Douche and his chief guard Re-Draft. The first time DuRank walked into prison, nobody thought much of him. Looked like a stiff breeze would crumble his roster, and it often did. He made a few friends in Purdy Good, Nice Diggs, Watson the Stove, and Jojo. But I do believe that first season inside was the hardest for Andy. The Van Buren Boys would consistently torture DuRank, and every so often he would show up on Tuesday morning with new losses and players on the IR. And that’s how life went in 2022, a few wins, but mostly struggles. Ranking is really just about pressure and time… pressure and time.
Act II – The Void
After a while as ranker, you begin to change. These rankings are funny, first you hate them, then you get used to them, and finally comes a time when it’s been so long you begin to depend on them. And so DuRank went about his duties, trying to find meaning trapped inside the 4 walls of ranking. He stayed busy by moving from project to project, starting with his greatest contribution, the building of the finest ranking website this side of the Mississippi.
Just when he was thinking that he might be all out of projects, a young brash new inmate came to ShawRank… Jonathon’s Legends. Andy took him under his wing, taught him to read, and things were going well, probably a little bit too well… So in his first year, when it looked like Legend’s might break free and win the whole thing, Warden Douche and Guard Re-Draft took Legend’s #1 RB taken out back and gave him the worst three words in football: High Ankle Sprain. Just like like, Legends fell from the top… DuRank heard about it several weeks later, after finally being let out of a 5 game losing streak isolation box. Some thought that might have been the straw that finally broke him, but hope is good thing, and a good thing never dies.
Act III – Hope
To understand why DuRank hasn’t given up hope on the season, you must first understand Rankers. Rankers are a complicated group and perennially misunderstood. Most of his readers probably think that DuRank must have endless time and hundreds of great ideas to have maintained strong rankings, innovative column themes, and a hopeful outlook on his team for so long. But that isn’t what has kept DuRank’s spirts high… DuRank has a secret. For 37+ weeks now, he has slowly been building an escape tunnel, hiding behind the beautiful poster that is his ranking website. It could be this week, or next week, but sometime soon all the guards and inmates are going to wake up for roll call on a Friday or Saturday morning and find the rankers cell empty. DuRank will have disappeared in the night: gone to the hospital to watch his baby crawl through 500 yards of… you know what, let’s not go any further with that analogy. Anyways, I have a baby due very soon so enjoy what might be the final ranking for a while.
Rankings:
1: Boggs (and his boys) / The Van Buren Boys – A vile and cruel team that’s going to get what’s coming to them.
2: Warden Norton / Sir Douche – The commissioner runs a tight ship, but we all know he’s skimming off the edges.
3. Byron Hadley / Can we Re-draft? – I mean for starters, they are both named Byron. Re-Draft is gunna ride high for almost the whole movie, and then cry when he gets taken down at the end.
4. Ellis Boyd Redding / Watson the stove!? – I couldn’t make anybody Red but trader Jack – he’s a man who can get things.. Do you need an RB, a WR, a pint of whiskey to celebrate your kid’s graduation? Watson’s your man
5. Brooks Hatlen / Purdy Good – I’ve made plenty of jokes about this being the old man’s team, so let’s assign Sean the old man character. Brooks is wise and everyone loves him, couldn’t think of a better match.
6. Heywood / Nice Diggs – I’m just going to put a smiling picture of Heywood here and dare any of you to tell me it’s not Brennan.
7. Tommy / Jonathon’s Legends – Do I need to explain this any further? Half of me thinks that Jon should have been born in 1948, so he could have cruised thru the 60’s as a ripped teenager with a one size too small white t-shirt and a carton of cigarettes rolled into his sleeve.
8. Guard Wiley / Kel-Ci and JoJo – I couldn’t figure out how to work Dr. Wearn into the story, so I’m sorry Jer but I decided to make you the guy the guy who asks Andy to do his taxes, because why not?
9. Snooze / Putrid La Porta Potty – This is lesser-known character, but a great one with a few fabulous scenes. Putrid can’t do anything about his poor luck, but I expect him to have a few shining moments this year all the same.
10. Andy Dufresne / Andy DuRank – I’m delusional enough to think I could be a world-famous sports blogger, but not so delusional as to think that this team is any good at all…
11. Frank Darabont / Nasty Nick – Yeah, I’m making Nick the Director of the movie, he’s artsy and cultural like that..
12. “Fresh Fish or Fat Ass”* / So Sticky it Hurts – Made one appearance in the movie 5 minutes in (week 1 rankings) and was never heard from again
*this is what IMDB has the character named as
Picks:
NFL: Apparently I never filled this in last week – I’m going to need all of you to man up and let me know when I make mistakes like this. But because nobody had the balls to call me out, we are counting it as a win (1-3): CIN -2.5 over TEN, the Titans can’t defend against any passing whatsoever
Go Ducks Go (1-2): Nasty over Sticky
Go Ducks Go Power Rankings 
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