Am I doing this receipts thing right? Rank a guy 12th, he scores an abysmal number and then you celebrate your genius? Anyways, we are gunna cut to the punch line and put Jeremy 12th again…
Now onto the rest, for one hot second I thought about making this week’s theme R&B songs, but these posts already take me between 90 and 120 minutes, and it’s pretty clear my baseline R&B knowledge would mean an additional 10 hours of research for a half decent post.
One final note before we jump in: I’m so proud of many of you for the name changes. It took me a good 10 minutes to orient myself to who was who, but I love the enthusiasm and would like to give a special shoutout to Purdy Good and Pulled Metcalf, it also inspired this week’s theme:
#1. Sir Douche: Commish smacked around Dr. Wearn like we all knew he would. Frankly the only thing surprising about Douche’s performance last week was that he didn’t try to retroactively award himself a high points of the week $20 bonus.
#2. So Sticky it Hurts: It makes sense that Geoff has turned into a Jaguars fan, as Jacksonville is the only place in the country as sticky as his Loins. Hurts didn’t even have a good game, but he’s already fixed that. So long as sticky stays healthy, they are going to be tough every week.
#3. Nice Diggs: Where did Patrick make his Mahomes in college? He lived in Breece Hall, they were some pretty nice Diggs. His favorite thing to eat was some fresh Olaves with a nice Charbonnet. I’ll see myself out now…
#4. Vacated in recognition of the huge gap between the top 3 teams and the next group of teams
#5A. Jonathon’s Legends: There is something very familiar about this team having the best RB in week 1 and looking scary… Oh yeah, it happened the exact same way last year. CMC and Kyle Shanahan are as scary as advertised, Tee will play better, and Allgeier continues to make the most of every touch he gets.
#5B. The Van Buren Boys: Credit to Connor for taking a risk on a dual threat rookie QB. It’s that type of savvy salary cap management that takes a team from good to great. What is George Kittles favorite NBA team? – The Golden State Doubs
#6. Purdy Good: Alright alright, I know you guys are loving a few of these dumb puns, but enough Joshing around, it’s time to Hopkins into some real analysis. This team is older than most of the bad dad jokes I’ve sprinkled in, so congrats to Sean on his 2019 Fantasy football championship.
#7. Forever Drank: Time for this team to Locket in and bring their A games. We had some truly Gofful performances out of WR’s and TE’s last weekend, but that’s nothing a quick prayer to the good St. Brown wont fix.
#8. Pulled Metcalf: I was going to keep making jokes, but unfortunately Jameson used up all his J.K.s last week
#9 Nasty Nick: Judge Jeudy made a Swift ruling here – with Rodger’s going down in 4 snaps, Wilson becomes about as useful as a volleyball on a desert Island.
#10: Watson the Stove!?: Um, frankly not much, there are a whole lot of side dishes in this oven but no main course. I think Bigelow might be hungry all year.
#11: Can we Re-Draft?: No you can’t, enjoy the bottom Byron
#12. Kelci and JoJo: To Burrow a line from the great Dennis Green, they are who we thought they were.
Picks of the week:
NFL (0-2): I’m giving myself 2 losses for the Giants pick, I’m also giving Nick one, absolutely embarrassing. Chargers -2.5 over Titans
Go Ducks Go (0-1): Sticky over JoJo
Go Ducks Go Power Rankings 
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