2023 Week 1 Power Rankings

It is a crisp fall evening, and my house is quiet as I sit down to begin another year in a storied ranking career. As I reflect upon seasons past I wonder if this shall be the last opening chapter I write, but these thoughts are best saved for a man with more time and fewer holes on his roster to fill. It is an honor to rank for you gentlemen, and it is with great pride that I present the Week 1 Power Rankings, may they bring you laughter, anger, embarrassment, and joy.

#1: Sir Douche

Our Corrupt Commissioner ended last year on top, and there is simply no reason to dethrone the good Knight this early. Soroush maintained his impeachable reputation as a commissioner who causes annual chaos and discord with perhaps our most contentious rules change session ever. With two of the very best receivers in a 3 WR league, the good Dr. is in strong position to defend his title.

#2. So Sticky it Hurts

Scoones deployed his keeper to make sure his team name maintained relevancy, and then went and snagged the best fantasy RB in the league when healthy. Sticky started last season at the bottom of our rankings, but finished 4th in the league on the back of a high floor, higher ceiling QB. Look for more of the same this year from our stickiest man.

#3. Jonathon’s Legends

Well, we’ve got a scouting report on Mr. Dulong now after his rookie season. Legends started last year strong but was ultimately a victim of unlucky injuries and unluckier scheduling. Despite having the 5th best scoring differential last year, Legends finished the regular season .500 and ended up at #11 after the consolation ladder. He’s rolling the dice again this year with McCaffrey, and so long as he doesn’t have to start stone hands Kadarius Toney too many times should be ok.

#4. I Don’t Gano what I’m doing

Sean has autodrafted something like 5 years in a row, and I can’t lie, there have been some absolute car wrecks. In fact, I went back thru the draft results, and in 2020 the ESPN computer took 2 QB’s and 3 Tight Ends for Sean in the first 10 rounds. Half of his first 10 picks on guys that only fill 2 roster spots. For those interested it was as follows: Matt Ryan (Rd 4), Zach Ertz (Rd 6), Baker Mayfield – yikes (Rd 7), Darren Waller (Rd 9), Evan Engram (Rd 10). In related news, Sean went 5-8 that year. But this year is different, I like what the computer did, and I love the Josh Allen keeper in a prove it year for the Bills. As always, go Sean.

#5. Low Tee

I’m finding myself placing all the good QB teams on top, despite a bit of mocking in the keeper rankings. Tee is just solid all the way around, has a deep bench and maybe one more RB than he really needs. Justin Fields is a great pick to make the 2nd year leep, and the NFC North is absolutely anybody’s ball game. The roster is a bit light on Da Bears, so maybe think about floating one of Jamison’s favorite players to him for a better RB option (looking at you Byron, those are a trainwreck).

#6. Big Kenergy

This is a scary place for Bigelow to start… the Danny Ainge of our league always wheels and deals himself into a better position by November. Scary Terry was my favorite WR from a year ago, and I don’t see any reason why he doesn’t remain a highly productive option on a mediocre offense. Jack is probably too in love with Kenneth Walker, and I personally expect to see a fair amount of shared workload in that backfield, but the team is solid and has some nice upside stashed for midseason in Kamara and Murray.

#7: Nasty Nick

Nick is my pick for steadiest team. I think this team will show up every week, post something in the high 80’s or low 90’s and never roll over. Unfortunately, I don’t see a ton of upside here. Bijan is an exciting pick, but the Falcons are going to stink. Everyone else on the roster screams “7 catches for 53 yards and a TD once or twice a month”, except for Kyle Pitts who isn’t actually good and it wasn’t Marcus’s fault.

#8. The Van Buren Boys

Martin Van Buren was the 8th President of the United States and presided over one of the most disastrous economic stretches in the history of our great country, but I would never wish such misfortune on my arch nemesis Connor Cunningham. Van Buren became president in 1837, the same year that Derrick Henry broke the NFL rookie rushing record. After this unprecedented 186 year stretch of maintaining high levels of performance, one would think that this might be the year that Henry falls off, but I say that he’s got one more in him. Depth is a concern here, but the boys should be in the mix most every week

#9. Forever Drank

Going with myself here…honestly I think I’m better than this, but improving myself ruined the Van Buren joke and frankly my recent performance doesn’t merit any benefit of the doubt. Despite the fact that I am obviously a generational writer, you can all clearly see I’m not a very good reader. I rushed into the house on Monday night, ignored the obvious red flag next to Kupp’s name and took him 11th overall. But you know what, I kind of like it… drafting at the back end of a snake draft absolutely stinks, truly elite talent is always gone and you are always left with bad options that you slowly talk yourself into, kind of like after the handle is gone at a Sorority function and all the pretty girls are paired up. Kupp is elite talent, and if I have to wait 4 weeks to enjoy it so be it, there’s enough talent and guaranteed volume on this roster to hold me over until then.

#10. Okwuegunam Lowes

Alright, so doing these rankings is hard, and doing them at the beginning of the season, without a team record, recent week performance, or prior week rankings as a starting point is extra hard. Lowes is clearly too low here, he might belong at 7 or 8, but I’m not reordering at this point in the night, so he opens the year with a dreaded double digit ranking. I think this roster is gunna look a lot better on Nov 1st than it will opening weekend. There is lots of depth, and a few guys who are in strong position to see increased volume with good performance or injuries in front of them.

#11. Can we Re-Draft

Only has RB’s that are in major backfield shares, Lamar Jackson isn’t what he was 3 years ago, is OBJ really still a starting WR? His keeper is already hurt. Byron is a savvy man and I’m sure some of this will work out better than it currently looks on paper, but he simply can’t be proud of his performance on Monday night.

#12. Kel-Ci and JoBro

Alright, it’s late and I’ve had a few soda’s at this point, but I have stared at and repeated this team name aloud like 100 times, and I just don’t get it. What is the “-Ci”. So the team gets some demerits for a terrible attempt at some sort of pun… Regardless, Dr. Wearn was going to start this year at the bottom. He’s got 6 Rb’s on this roster and only one of them is playable. Starting McKinnon last night has an early stranglehold on worst roster decision of the year. Poll question for the group: Is it good when your starting RB doesn’t record a carry? – Asking for a friend

League Pick of the week: Drank over Legends

NFL Pick of the week: Giants +3.5 over Cowboys