Does anybody still play in a Turkey Bowl? I think its been since before Luke was born for the last time that I played in one – but I do have fun memories of waking up early thanksgiving morning, very hungover from taking way too many shots at Kell’s with people I only ever saw Thanksgiving Eve (a great young mans drinking holiday), and going to a muddy field to attempt to avoid pulling a hamstring or tearing my ACL… Ah to be young. In leu of some backyard pigskin tossing, I will be assigning each team a traditional Thanksgiving day dish (I’m sure you all expected this, but we are doing it none the less). Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Rankers Note: The ranking number corresponds to the team, not my ranking of Thanksgiving dishes.
#1: Drop your Mike’s (9-2) Sweet Potato Casserole
I am DONE picking against this team. I’ve tried to topple Jeremy 3 times in the upset picks, and it might as well be a signed and sealed victory guarantee. So this week, Jeremy is getting the Lock of the Week in a very transparent reverse jinx attempt. Now you might be wondering why on earth the #1 team got assigned a somewhat controversial dish that wouldn’t make many folks top 5’s, and for that I have two responses: #1 – you haven’t tried Anne Gram’s sweet potatoes, and #2 if you have ever made sweet potato casserole you know that it comes out of the oven at approximately 1 zillion degrees, and with 8 wins in a row, MIKES IS HOT!
#2: The Three and Outs (5-6) Mac and Cheese
I’m not talking about some frozen Stouffer’s nonsense here, I’m talking about $50 dollars worth of Gruyere, homemade quality stuff. What I also like about this specific dish comparison, is the fact just like 3&Outs, leftover Mac and Cheese just keeps getting better and better! It’s still good Sunday evening, when your Stuffing has gone soggy and the green bean casserole looks like the Cambells soup you used to make it. Jack has scored more than 110 points 4 weeks in a row and will need it again to plant himself fully in the playoff picture come next week.
#3: Low Tee (6-5) Stuffing
Bread, vegetables, salt, a few eggs, sausage (if you are making this dish correctly). This team just brings a little bit of everything to the table and can be a meal all on its own. Tee has done a great job of filling up his recipe through the season, and adding Fields may prove to be a decision that pays off for years to come. As an aside, I looked up Fields transaction history – and Jamison drafted him in the 14th round, dropped him a week later, and then picked him up a month after that (and you call yourself a Bear’s fan).
#4: Can we Re-Draft (7-4) Mashed Potatoes
Look, every dish on the menu benefits from some gravy, but this is the first team that absolutely needs it and just doesn’t have it lately. In this analogy, Lamar Jackson is the gravy. He started the year as a monster, but has averaged just 15.6 pts over the last 7 games. This is a good team and a top tier dish, but has some lumps, some potato skin, and needs some assistance for the team to have a chance at the Turkey Day Title.
#5: Kupp and Down (8-3) Green Bean Casserole
The exact opposite of the Mac and Cheese. This dish is great right out of the oven, with some onion fries sprinkled right on top. But it turns cold in the 30 minutes it actually takes everyone to get off the couch and to the table. 2 hours, or 1 day later, and it has become an soupy mess that you just toss out. Commish has lost 2 in a row and his best player is on the IR. He’ll make the playoffs because of early on success, but a 1st round loss seems very likely at this point. He’s got a tough matchup against Mikes this week, then Byron next week, before using Week 14 to cement Nick’s spot as 2023 ranker.
#6: The Van Buren Boys (7-4) Turkey
I’m keeping with a theme here (see Blazers week). Turkey is a staple of Thanksgiving, and when done right should absolutely be one of three or four most important items on the table… But whenever you ask people to name their favorite Thanksgiving foods, Turkey is far from the first one out of their mouth… It’s more of an afterthought really, like “oh yeah, the turkey is good too” But they don’t really mean it….
#7 So Sticky it Hurts (6-5) Pumpkin Pie
A great dish and actually a very good team…. the issue is there is just not enough room for them once you’ve eaten your way thru the top 6. Sticky is our first team out of the playoffs in the Committee’s current model, and it’s frankly not fair. Scoones has scored the 3rd most points in the league (though only .22 ahead of Jack) but in looking at the final 3 weeks of the season, has an awful schedule: playing Mikes, Low Tee, and Re-draft. So unfortunately, despite deserving a seat in the playoffs, Geoff will have to sit at the kid’s table, which is where I imagine Rachel makes him sit anyways.
#8 Jonathon’s Legends (6-5) Every other pie
I thought about going with a hallucinogenic tea here as a nod to Mr. Rodgers, but this team deserves a bit better treatment than that. A lot like Sticky above him, Legend’s just doesn’t fit at our table. Jon has a pretty good team, and a chance to win a pie off next week for what will likely decide if Jack makes the playoffs. Waddle as a keeper for just a 4th rounder does feel like a great building block for the team to continue establishing its holiday legacy in years to come.
#9 Okwuegbunam Lowes (5-6) Crescent Rolls
Really great when they are fresh and warm out of the oven, but so incredibly fragile. 10 minutes after you take them out of the box, they are cracking or smashed, and nowhere near as appetizing as when they were first drafted, I mean cooked. Ok has dealt with injuries, steroid suspensions, and Broncos-itis for just too many weeks, and it’s going to cost him a spot in the top half.
#10 I Don’t Gano what I’m doing (3-8) Whiskey
Not technically a thanksgiving day staple, but just brings joy and puts everyone in a good mood before your Grandma starts making uncomfortable statements about what she saw in the Grocery store parking lot last week.
#12: Nasty Nick (2-9) Whatever your weird cousin Ned brought (or in the case of the Gram family – whatever Andy brought).
It’s a casserole or dip of some sort, but it’s pretty clear there was absolutely no planning put into the preparation of this dish. Everyone will put exactly one small scoop on the side of their plates and find a way to scrape it off when going back for 2nds of the good stuff.
#12: Drank with Power (2-9) Cranberry Sauce
You talk and think about it when planning and handing out responsibilities during the week before the big day (like right now as you read my post!). But then the meal starts and everybody forgets its on the table…
PICKS OF THE WEEK (Put your company here!)
Lock of the Week (7-1): Mikes over Commish
Upset of the Week (1-7): OK over Redraft
NFL Spread (5-3): Turkey Day Trifecta!
- Lions +9.5 over Bills
- Cowboys/Giants OVER 45.5
- Vikings -2.5 over Pats
Go Ducks Go Power Rankings 
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