Gentlemen, we have reached halftime week of the fantasy football season, and things are falling into place. We might have a few more gimmicks up our sleeves to get this thing to 2023 (yes I just looked, and week 17 games are on January 1st… seems like a real long time away) but no gimmicks this week. Just good old ranting on a Thursday night. But to keep it interesting, we are going to keep a beer count going as I work my way down the page… I just cracked the 2nd can.
#1: Drop your Mike’s (6-2)
Try as I might, I can’t knock this guy off the top of the mountain. With his two best players on bye, Mike’s didn’t have a stellar week but got the W against a Gano team in absolute freefall. They are on a 5 game win streak and #1 in total points. Mikes appears to be hoarding QB’s, with 3 on the roster, look for him to flip one of those into a start-able WR.. I’d like to take a moment here and apologize to our topped ranked teams… its just WAY harder to write funny stuff about you. Probably because I’ve had less to drink when I do it, but also because your teams are just too good. You don’t deserve the jokes anyways, the guys at 6 and below deserve the jokes.
#2: Kupp and Down (7-1)
6 Wins in a row! The commish still relies heavily on his pass catchers, and actually has more than 1 starting caliber WR than he can actual start. Hey commish, the trade deadline isn’t until December 2nd, unless you changed it while none of us were looking. Let’s get fired up and not rely on a Jeff Wilson Jr. backfield share to keep Jeremy from the promised land. Go get yourself a real running back… Like Ezekiel Elliot. Would you like Zeke? Of course not… not not even the cowboy should want him. Anyways, go get yourself another RB.
#3: The Van Buren Boys (6-2)
It might very well take until TVBB wins the championship for me to make him #1… But he might just do that… And if and when that day comes, I’ll write a folk song about the man who overcame adversity, disparagement, and a fucking terrible name to win it all. For the first time all season, this team is ranked properly. #2 in total points scored, a few lucky wins, and a beloved ducks QB (who I am sadly rooting against this weekend, because Mariota was my first love and will always be).
Beer #3 is open
#4: Can we Re-Draft (5-3)
BYRONS ENTIRE BENCH IS ON A BYE… I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that. Damn’t Byron, didn’t you look ahead on draft night and see that week 9 was against Dr. Wearn and his monsters. With the Claypool trade, Pickens becomes more valuable, Najee is disappointing for where he was drafted, but somehow still gets 30 carries a game and remains exactly an RB2 at #24 in position rankings. This team will continue to hang in every game but doesn’t have what it takes to get to the top.
#5: The Three and Outs (3-5)
LOOK OUT. Jack Bigelow is a slow starter and a fast finisher (or so I’ve heard). We’ve been way too stable here in the rankings recently, so I am happy to take a leap of faith on 3 & Out. He wheeled and dealed his way to the top last year, and he might have draft day stashed his way to the top this year. You know what, this is actually too low. Just look at this roster… Walker III, Henry, CMC. Feels like that is 75 guaranteed points a week. The slow start is obviously a hurdle to overcome from a making the playoffs standpoint if he gets unlucky in a few matchups, but when our favorite seahawks fan gets there, be afraid, be very afraid.
#6: Low Tee (3-5)
Two losses in a row and I refuse to punish this team. Record will start to matter more as we get to the final stretch, but there’s plenty of time for Low Tee to take some retired athlete spokesperson male boosters and charge to the finish line. I use Nugenix because Frank Thomas just seems so huggable, but Shaq is out with a new one so I might be looking to switch it up, I’ll have to ask my man Rico and Vitamin Shoppe. Your slack has been all used up Jamo – go get a W this week and make me look good.
#7 So Sticky it Hurts (4-4)
Sticky hasn’t won or lost more than 2 in a row this year, which reminds me of a way more impressive stat: Brady hadn’t lost more than 2 in a row in 324 games until last Sunday!!!! That’s like 10 seasons longer than the guy in 2nd place (Joe Montana, have you heard of him). What was I talking about? Oh yeah: Scoones and his wishy-washy middle of the pack squad, get it together and pick a direction Geoff.
#8: Okwuegbunam Lowes (4-4)
Tough loss to a wavier wire savant last week. I mean if you can’t overcome 7 TD’s scored by your opponents running backs, one of whom didn’t have a carry two weeks prior, are you even really trying. Sutton and Gordon are unplayable, Swift and Williams are a little better than having to start both Tony and Zeke but not by much. This team will hang week in and week out, but has the strong aroma of a first round loss. Also, Keenan Allen called, he says he’s out sick again this week, but I don’t blame you Blowes, it was really tough to foresee that he would miss 5 of his first 7 games when you picked him 35th overall, he’s always been such a warrior.
#9 Jonathon’s Legends (4-4)
So Jon was like the new girl who transferred into your high school senior year… She seemed super hot the first week of school, but was she really any hotter than some of the other girls you’d been hanging with for 3 years? – No, she was just new and exciting. Yea 100 guys asked her to Homecoming, but by Prom she was in the middle of the pack where she actually belonged and we were all chasing that pretty blonde from freshman year again (What’s up Jeremy, you doing good?). Things are bleak, the only reason Legends is at #9 is because he has a 2 game gap on the bottom quartile and the fact that all those teams suck.
#10: Drank with Power (2-6)
A tough matchup this week against the commish. The Cowboys bye comes at an inopportune time, could have really used one more week of the Tony Pollard solo album. You guys will all vouch and provide an alibi for me if I fly to Dallas and go Tonya Harding on Elliot right? Foreman is gunna be the real deal, might steal a good week here with Jackson. Michael Thomas played two full games (averaging 17 ponts) and then decided he’d earned this years salary… Is this the season that could have been? No, absolutely not, but we may just yet get out of next years power rankings.
#11 I Don’t Gano what I’m doing (2-6)
We are staring 6 straight losses straight in the face. Gano managed to break 100 points scored… in the last two weeks COMBINED, and currently has two TE’s in his starting lineup. Neither of whom are top 12 TE’s this year, and one who is on Bye. If Sean ends the year at the bottom, maybe he has to give a free tattoo to the 2023 loser.
The nightcap is cracked, Beer #4.
#12 Nasty Nick (2-6)
Chase on IR, 1 non QB on the roster projected to score over 10 this week, an absolute brutal matchup against a Low Tee squad who just took two doses of pre-workout (Seriously Jamo, I’m counting on you). I think Nick would make a great power ranker. He could assign everyone albums, iconic movies, or New York Giants players, although that might be tough because Barkley is obviously #1 and then everyone else on the team is tied for 10th. (Yes I know they are 6&2 but literally every win is by 1 score or less – its fake news).
PICKS OF THE WEEK (brought to you by Cost Less Auto Parts)
Lock of the Week (5-0): I mean it is called lock of the week, so not too many congrats are in order for a perfect record, but at least I haven’t screwed it up. TVBB over GANO
Upset of the Week (1-4): My only win here was when I beat Byron, its been a few weeks so thought I would remind everyone of that, also I’m picking myself again. Drank over Commish
NFL Spread (2-3): Missed the tie by 0.5, but there’s no crying in baseball. SEA +2 over AZ (the cardinals aren’t good)
Go Ducks Go Power Rankings 
Leave a comment