After a week off to explore my spiritual side and reflect, I’ve determined that I’m much more effective with my traditional writing approach: A slightly buzzed Bill Simmons knockoff. I mean I tried to rhyme half of the Haiku’s last week, which I don’t think you’re supposed to do. So my deepest apologies to the Japanese people and their culture, no offense was meant in my lackluster effort.
#1: Drop your Mike’s (3-2)
The Dr. is in… I put up enough bulletin board material that Rhamondre turned into the first true RB1 the Patriots have ever had. This team has put up the high score two weeks in a row, and is less than 1/2 a point a week below the highest average weekly score in the league. Kelce won’t score 4 touchdowns every week, but he has clearly regained some form, as has Ekeler. Enjoy your time at the top DYM, this is becoming a bit of a cursed spot.
#2: Can we Re-Draft (3-2)
Mr. Consistency. Re-Draft has scored over 100 every week (the only team to do that) with a low of score of 101 and a high score of 124. The team has won three in a row after a slow start, and is giving itself a shot every week, which is key to fantasy football success. Barkley and Lamar provide a high floor, and Pierce is barging onto the scene with more effort than that clip of him scoring a touchdown without his helmet last season at Florida. Pierce is on a bye this week and Barkley might be a little banged up… we’ll see if this team can avoid a trap game nightmare this week.
#3 So Sticky it Hurts (3-2)
A tough loss against a good OK squad last week, Sticky still makes our top 3. Hurts remains my pick to finish as QB1 (despite the laser show Mahomes had on Monday night), Justin Jefferson continues to be a beast, and Hollywood Brown is actually 3rd in targets on the season. Unfortunately Brown’s QB might be better at Call of Duty than football. The lime green pant suit Kyler borrowed from former first lady Hilary Clinton didn’t help much either, though I think Scoones might be able to pull it off if he’s still needing a Halloween costume.
#4: Kupp and Down (4-1)
Was # 2, now is #4. I had a whole funny opening written about how you needed a doctorate to be on the top shelf in this league, and then Soroush started Carson Wentz, on short rest, against the Bears defense, on a Thursday night, when the Thursday night games have been absolute turd piles. How Soroush has scored the most points in the league while having started Carson Wentz (who is 1-5 this year) more than zero times is beyond me. Does Goodell think that he can get Amazon to pay another $11B next summer to improve their Thursday night matchups? I’ve watched every week, and it would appear Herbstreit is doing about as much research as I did before draft night. A great matchup against Sticky this week may give the committee the signature win needed to put this squad on top, but the decision making is under intense scrutiny.
#5: The Van Buren Boys (4-1)
4 and 1 is Fake News. TVBB has benefited strongly from the always interesting “Points against” statistic, with the least amount of points scored against him of any team in the league by a decent margin. This past week was more of the same, as TVBB scored the least points of a winning team. The roster has superstars but little depth, which will become more important as bye weeks begin and injuries start to pile up. Connor’s poem was my favorite from last week, I hope he cherished it.
#6 Jonathon’s Legends (3-2)
Every year there is a very promising team that just has horrible injury luck. I know this because it has been mine like 3 years in a row before this one (at least that’s what I always told myself). I think this might be that team, and I don’t like that the Colts are “rushing” Taylor back. Chubb has been an absolute monster, but his TD rate is probably unsustainable. Chubb is on pace for 24 rushing TD’s this year, which would be the most since LT had 28 in 2006, the league is a little different than it was back then, and I don’t remember Tomlinson having a backup RB stealing any of his goal line carries.
#7 I Don’t Gano what I’m doing (2-3)
I swear that I don’t have any master plan against Gano and I’m not trying to create some running Joke, I just can’t move this team out of the middle. Gano has been seriously unlucky in his matchups, and last week lost by a tenth of a point! In fact, this is one of the weirdest score histories I’ve ever looked at. The ONLY WEEK that Gano won was the week that he didn’t score 100 points. The league wide average points per week is 104.5, and Gano has put up 95, 104.2, 107.2, 111.9, & 119. So Gano has posted better than league average scores 4 times and is 0-4 in those weeks. Somebody send this guy a “my condolences” pizza or something.
#8: Okwuegbunam Lowes (3-2)
OK had a great week last week to get back above .500, but this is a boom or bust team. Gabe Davis is always a risky start, and Montgomery bailed himself out with his first TD of the year last week. I don’t think I need to tell anybody that the Bears don’t score many touchdowns (How ya hanging in there Jamison?). Team is a bit banged up as well, and with Russel Wilson becoming weirder by the day I’m not sure I’m high on the two Bronco’s on this squad.
#9 Low Tee (2-3)
A strong trade, a rumor of his star RB getting moved to the best offense in the league, some good waiver wire grabs. This team is on the rise. Tee has a good matchup against Gano this week that could have very meaningful implications on the playoff race. Now please excuse me while I sacrifice a goat in hopes that Kamara doesn’t make me look even dumber than I already feel.
#10: The Three and Outs (2-3)
You might be able to question this teams chances at winning the league or even winning this week’s matchup against our top ranked team, but you can’t question Jack’s absolute devotion to his Seahawks. At the start of the year most people had Kenneth Walker as RB4 on the roster, but Jack drafted him in the 12th round. This reminds me of a tangent I want to complain about, ESPN and other fantasy experts need to find a way to weed out the 6 team leagues from their % available statistics. Every time I read a “who to grab on the waiver wire” article, it says something like “Kenneth Walker available in 65% of leagues…”, and then I check and Jack drafted him 7 weeks ago. Either you guys are too good, or ESPN is full of it…
#11 Nasty Nick (1-4)
This team is almost as bad as the power ranker’s own squad, and missed a golden chance to steal a win last week. Chase and London’s production have both slowed substantially, and I’m not sure the models have caught up with that. I also saw something on twitter this week about Chase not liking to shower… never trust a man who doesn’t like to shower. Most of his players have very favorable matchups this week, producing an estimated points total that this ranker thinks is likely too high.
#12: Drank with Power (0-5)
I know this is starting to seem like a bit… and I wish I could say that it was, but its not. The points scored gap between me and Low Tee is greater than the gap between 10th and 1st, its a historic disaster. I assume there is a separate group chat where you all talk $hit about me on a daily basis, and I want you all to know I don’t blame you, I absolutely stink. My focus on the team is poor and my decisions are poorer. Earlier in the season I joked that Low Tee was made up of Flex players only, and looking at my current roster, I think that would be a good goal for me… I’ve got WR1’s who other teams won’t trade their bench for… I dumped Kamara before he finally woke up, Harris got hurt and wont have a spot to come back to, and JK looks good but is sharing too many carries. That being said, this week’s matchup might be just want I need, as I ALWAYS BEAT BYRON, in fact I’ve already spent the $20 he’ll have to send me next Tuesday.
PICKS OF THE WEEK (brought to you by Cost Less Auto Parts)
Lock of the Week (2-0): Mike’s over 3 & Out
Upset of the Week (0-2): Drank over Bryon Patrick Stevens (I use his full name because I’m his daddy)
NFL Spread (1-1): LAC -4.5 over DEN
Until next week folks
Go Ducks Go Power Rankings 
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