Week 1 Rankings

Well, week 1 has come and gone and your power ranker has proved he’s a much better power ranker than fantasy football drafter, but more on that later. For now, we are going to celebrate the fact that 4 of the top 6 in the power rankings got the W for the ranking committee. Maybe Kaveh will come back next year and I can focus on my true skill set.

#1: Okwuegbunam Lowes (1-0)

Wow, the #1 preseason team, scores the most points in week 1, and gives us an absolutely incredibly name change. Lowes’ Dad strength has clearly arrived early. We got a ho hum performance out of Mahomee tonight, but that can’t knock our #1 seed from his firm seat atop the power rankings. Maybe when Okwuegbunam arrives we can trick a sleepy owner into a 1 sided trade.

#2 So Sticky it Hurts (1-0)

The ranking commission liked this squad before the balls flew last Sunday and it all holds true. Justin Jefferson probably wont get to catch passes in his own zip code all season, but it also probably won’t matter. If Scoones can come up with 15 more variations of a Sticky name, he could lose from here on out and stay in the top 6. But that wont happen, because sticky has the bench depth, the top end talent, and the warm/moist loins to get all the way back to the mountain top. P.S. Hurts scored over 20, just like I said he would (let me brag, its all I have).

#3: The Van Buren Boys (1-0)

God damn’t Connor! Just change this stupid name and I’ll put you on top for the next two weeks. Despite this silly feud that I fully intend to reference far past its point of having any comedic merit, TVBB did it again. Diggs and Brown came in like the #1 WR’s they are, and Hunt was a real big boner blocker (Cuz he scored instead of Chubb, do you get it?). The only real concern this roster has is that the last time a Chargers QB had a rib injury, their doctor stabbed the starting QB thru the chest 30 minutes before kickoff. Get well soon Justin, tough throw at the goal line tonight…. Also, while I’m just rambling, I have a rule change proposal for next year: Interceptions returned for a TD = -6.

#4: Jonathon’s Legends (1-0)

Scored 110 with less than 4 points from Aaron “I don’t practice in the preseason and my WR’s are toddlers” Rodgers. Taylor looked every bit the #1 pick and was RB2 on the week, Chubb also looked very solid on a frisky Brown team despite getting TD jacked by his backfield mate. Legends looks every bit the team that we saw out of the draft, though a bit thinner than the 3 ahead of him.

#5: Cupp and down (0-1)

Our first controversial ranking, as the commish didn’t get the W in week 1. However, an early Elijah Mitchell injury in the Windy City Hurricane, combined with Cupp getting 99.5% of the targets in LA has the committee feeling strong about C&D’s prospects moving forward. The team will need to duct tape it together over the next few weeks with Mitchell in IR and Dobbins not yet a full green light, but with Byron, Nick, and Sean as 3 of his next 4, the commish may just find himself in good shape come midseason.

#6: I Don’t Gano What I’m Doing (0-1)

Our other losing team in the top half moves up 1 spot this week. Gano has my favorite QB in the league this year, and I think the favorite for League MVP. Deebo looks primed to get a bigger workload with Mitchell on the sidle lines until midseason. Gano made the poor decision to leave Cordarrelle Patterson on the bench, but I don’t think he’ll do that again now that he’s seen how potent the Falcons look under our Lord and Savior Marcus Mariota. Seriously guys, they looked fantastic, let’s all pretend he didn’t fumble a snap on the biggest play of the game.

#7 Can we Re-Draft? (0-1)

The WR’s struggled just as the committee forecasted, but the RB’s might be an issue (for everyone else). They always say its the year after the year for an ACL, and Barkley looked like he was ready to run ramshackle over the league again. We’ll see how fresh Re-Draft looks in a few week after 100 carries on teams with poor QB options. The final observation here is a question, will somebody tell me if Lamar is good? I think he’s good for 80% of snaps I watch and hate the other 20%, Soroush do a thumbs up poll, I need to know.

#8 Moore hardMikes for the boys. (1-0)

A solid team name change and a W, hardMikes probably deserves to be a bit higher. But 21 points from Kicker and Defense and a TD from very touchdown dependent AJ Dillon have the committee questioning the repeatability of the performance. I mean sure, Jeremy has proved that we shouldn’t question him since he was the smartest guy we’ve known when we were all 18, but there’s a 2 spot ranking penalty because the ranking committee clearly talked him out of starting Byron’s cousin Rhamondre in week 1. (I’d avoid starting him in week 2 too Jer, but great pick).

#9 Nasty Nick (1-0)

It’s been a week, and Twitter has only finally stopped posting absolute freak-out videos about over drafting Cam Akers, man there were some good ones. So Nasty can take consolation in not being alone. However, that doesn’t change the fact that the franchise spent an early 3rd round pick on an RB who needs several injuries to be a viable flex option. Nice win Nick, I’ll add $20 to the pot if another team scores 35 combined with their Kicker and Defense again this year…

#10 The Three and Outs (0-1)

The PRC warned this team might be carrying a few guys guys on the downside of careers and Week 1 saw that play out. Henry, despite getting a full workload of 21 carries averaged less than 4 a run and didn’t sniff the end zone. Dak is hurt and the bench seem to be made up entirely of players who aren’t currently available. Jack, you know you might need to play one of those guys right? Geno looked better than Jody Allen behind center, but still couldn’t seem to locate deep ball threat DK. Also, how the F did the Rams D score 6 against the Bills, Allen did whatever he wanted out there.

#11: Cuppa Tee (0-1)

Is this a roster made up solely of players you would start in the Flex position? #2 overall pick McCaffrey was RB18 on the week solely because of a kind of cool jump dive over the pile, but otherwise lacked touches and production. Allen Robinson might as well have been running routes in Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak (rooting for a correction there as I have him in 2 other leagues). We’re gunna make history to close this post, with the first trade proposal in Power Rankings history: Jamo, I know you want D. Montgomery, make me an offer, the price isn’t that high…

#12: Drank with Power (0-2)

Is there such thing as a 6 alarm fire? No? You sure? Ok then, we have a 5 alarm tire fire at Ranking headquarters. Zeke looked ok, but didn’t get touches and now doesn’t have a QB, Kamara was a “Come on A”, and the team left its highest scorer on the bench. I don’t expect to score the lowest points in the league every week, but things did not start well… I mean I’m trying to make trades as I write the power rankings, that’s not a good sign. The roster doesn’t possess an top tier player who laid an egg, so we are all just going to have to PLAY BETTER.

Until next week folks…