Pre-Draft Power Rankings

It is with great pleasure that I present the pre draft power rankings for the 2022 Go Ducks Go Season

1: Harry ButtKupper

I don’t like it, you don’t like it, Maggie and Harrison definitely don’t like it… but there is simply no denying that Dr. Wearn is the Bill Belichick of our league. He’s got a career win % of almost 60%, a league championship, and has made the playoffs 8 out of 9 years! He can even blame Covid and bad luck in 2020 for missing the playoffs, as he had an outrageous 124.1 points per week scored against him in that season. Until we can get ButtKupper to show more than what amounts to a statistical aberration in performance, there is no stopping Jeremy “small Richard” Wearn from starting the season as #1.

2: Kicker Greg

Blowes is due for a bounce back season… the 2 time champion missed the playoffs last year and in his 8 seasons in the league has never missed the playoffs in back to back years. Kicker Greg is a consistently good drafter, a true gentlemen, and I did these power rankings based on the draft order, so I’m running out of things to say and getting very tired. Besides, I can see Byron is the last one I have to do, and there’s no way I’m ranking Tan Mans 2nd.

3: Squad d’Biggs

Squad d’Biggs rode some unbelievable matchup luck last year all the way to his first title. Despite scoring the 7th most points in the league, he finished the regular season 10-4, earned a bye, and then dominated the championship match with his best performance of the season (and in fact the most points scored by any team all year). The power ranking commission of 1 has clearly stated that results matter, and d’Biggs got it done last year. Between defending his title and the absolutely amazing trade volume he demonstrated last year, this franchise deserves to be slated in our top 3.

4: Tan Mans

This is egregiously low for a 2 time champion who is tied for the highest average finish in league history and has made the playoffs 66% of the time. I’m really banking on little baby June to drag Tan Mans down, stealing his draft research and waiver wire time for hours spent swaddling, bottle feeding, and consoling a crying baby. Let’s all make sure that no matter what Byron’s strategy at the end of the snake draft, that by pick # 36 there isn’t a serviceable 2nd running back to be found anywhere. Good luck to everyone but Byron. Also I checked, and I have a 6 – 3 lifetime record against Byron, and we always bet $20 a matchup, so thanks for the cash homie..

5: Only Fants

Our beloved commish tied his record high finish last season, winning the 3rd place match. He has also twice finished at the bottom of the league, and were he not commish, may have been eligible for relegation (this rule only applies to the soccer lovers in the league). Back to back playoff appearances, and my love of his annual attempts to throw wild curveballs into our league rules leave me no choice but to put him into the top 6.

6: Sucky Punts

Sucky Punts has finished as the first loser 2 years in a row, although both title runs were a bit Bengals-esque as he finished 6th, and 5th respectively in the regular seasons. Despite this, results can’t be denied and the committee rewards playoff wins. In reviewing the archives I found that in the early years, Sir Jamison was a clever and punny team namer, but since the 2018 season he’s stuck with the same, non topical, team name. This forced me penalize him 2 spots in the preseason rankings.

7: Team Dulong

Like any smart pro sports franchise owner, Kaveh secured a #1 overall draft pick to increase the sales price of his beloved team Li Lai before gracefully bowing out to purchase a Premiership club (did I spell that right, I know less about soccer than Ted Lasso). This elevates Team Dulong (Jon we need to change this name asap) from what was sure to be a bottom of the charts start in the power rankings. Additionally, I did review the league history, and it turns out Jon was in this league during the founding year of 2013 – who knew. With limited stats (he finished 10th in the standings and 8th in points scored) I can place him no higher than 7th, even with the top pick.

8: I Don’t Gano What I’m Doing

Gano has had a couple of down years, but has a more storied history than most, finishing 1st in 2015 and 2nd in 2016. The franchise has shown the downfall of the autodraft strategy the past few years, however a strong history of team name changes does not go unrewarded. Here’s hoping this once proud franchise retakes control of their destiny and finds the mountain top again. The team also gets bonus points because Sean is just the nicest guy ever.

9: The Van Buren Boys

It was a close call… between what must be more tired: Connor of his absolutely atrocious luck (In 2019 he scored the most points ever in the regular season and lost by less than 1 point in the semifinals. In 2021 he scored the most points in the league and somehow went 6-8), and how tired the power ranking committee is of his incredibly outdated team name referencing a 1997 Seinfeld episode. Until TVBB joins us in the 21st century, he will sit in the bottom half of the power rankings.

10: Tanking for Ranking

Your beloved power ranker had a moment of sad personal honestly as he typed these rankings up, roughly 4.5 beers deep, and a week prior to the draft. Team Gram has probably coasted on a reputation of strong sports knowledge built almost exclusively on the NBA, and this owner knows no more than the average schmo when it comes to the NFL. He is however an avid name changer and trader, and as the power ranking commission has clearly outlined, those things will be rewarded every week in power rankings. Results mater most though, and with only 4 playoff appearances, 1 top 3 finish, and a below .500 lifetime record, we start the season in the bottom 4.

11: Nasty Nick

Nasty Nick made a bold pronouncement prior to the draft, claiming he would no longer focus his strategy around drafting only New York Giants (a highly flawed theory) and former SEC stars (probably not a bad idea). This declaration will be immediately tested on Tuesday night as Nick is picking 5th, and despite Saquon currently going an average of 26th in espn live drafts, I’m just not sure he can do it. Any franchise going through a midlife philosophy change crisis deserves to be questioned.

12: Drake is the GOAT

Drake is the GOAT is on one hell of a down slide, having gotten 3 or more spots worse each year for the past 3 years, finishing all the way at the bottom of the final 2021 standings. He finished 11th in the regular season standings, but that was a gift from yours truly as somebody needed to takeover for the artist formerly known as Sticky Loin’s lackluster finish to his power rankings era. I am placing him at 12th almost exclusively because I believe he is the most likely to stir up shit upon reading the pre-draft rankings.